She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
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