We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
