I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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