He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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