Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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