he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
