For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
