i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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