Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
