I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
