I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
