Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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