So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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