we have pet lesbian snakes
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
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