oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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