My liver just broke up with me...
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
