Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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