sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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