in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
