So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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