yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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