My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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