just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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