I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
