my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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