Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
