i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
