we're chasing vodka with high fives
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
