yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
