Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I could fuck to npr.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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