Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
