apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Randomize
