She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
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Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
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Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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