So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
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Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
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Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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