i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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