who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
My dad just said "fuck circus"
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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