im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
They should really pass out barf bags in church
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
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I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
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Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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