gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
