Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
soo... how was my night?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
