When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
