My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i will never coherently bang her
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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