Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
