i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
two words: eviction party
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.