He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
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Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
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In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.