alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Wipe that smile off your face.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
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I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
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Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.