OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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