So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Randomize
