in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize