he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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