Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
