Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
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