Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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