I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
