Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
