Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
