My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
