hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize