Umm I'm too high to move.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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